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Jokes: Adult Humor
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Asshole
This girl comes to her mother and says: Mom, I'm getting a divorce!
What? screams the mother, Are you out of your mind?
You have a wonderful husband. Smart, kind, has a great job.
Look Mom, the young girl replies, When I got married my
asshole was barely the size of a dime. Today, it's more like half-a-dollar! - And you're gonna make a big deal for 40 cents?
Added by: Didier Chatelain Date of addition : 25.03.08
Blowin' Chunks
A man is in a bar and he gets really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him:
"Do you wanna drink?"
And the man replies with:
"Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night i was blowing Chunks all night!"
And the bartender says:
"Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk."
Then the man says:
"No you dont understand my dog's name is Chunks."
Added by: Admin Date of addition : 09.01.08
Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Added by: Dallas Date of addition : 14.12.07
Drunk
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"
Added by: Admin Date of addition : 09.01.08
Poor Guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Added by: Dallas Date of addition : 14.12.07
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